The WAY we talk to our kids has a
huge impact on their learning and ability to listen to us.
We are constantly modeling to our
kids how to act and behave and the way we talk to them fits right into this category. The
way we speak to them and those around us is showing them how we want them to
speak back to us.
I have found that there are
generally three different ways that parents communicate with their
kids. The first one is in an aggressive way. These parents yell a
lot, put their kids down and use attacking words. Their children respond
in many different ways, mainly by playing up a lot more, feeling fearful,
yelling back and ignoring their parents’ constant orders.
The second form of communication
commonly seen is a passive form. These parents mutter soft, cautious words
and tones to their kids finding that they run riot and walk all over
them. Unfortunately these parents are so passive that sometimes when they
are pushed to their limits, they suddenly turn their communication into an
aggressive tone.
Lastly the third way that parents
can communicate with their kids is in an assertive way. This is what I
have found to be by far the most effective way to communicate with kids at all
levels. An assertive way of communicating is firm, consistent, clear,
positive, warm and confident. Communicating with kids in an assertive way
is a real skill yet it shows your kids that mum and dad know what they’re going
on about and to listen.
Here are my 20 top tips for improving
the WAY we talk to our kids:
- Use your child’s name. Your
own name is music to your ears. Our kids are no different, plus it
helps to get their attention before delivering your message. eg
“George, please go and get……..”. Young children can often only
concentrate on one thing at a time. Call your child’s name until you
have their attention before you speak. Eg “Helen”. (Wait until she stops
kicking the ball and looks at you.) ”Lunch will be ready in ten
minutes”.
- Use positive language–
try not to being saying “no” or “don’t” all of the time. There is no
doubt that if we say “Don’t drop that glass” or “No running inside” or
“Don’t drag your coat in the dirt” your child has that image and thought
imbedded in their mind and more times than not, they will drop the
glass!Instead, try to word what you want them to do. Eg “Only walking
inside please” or “Hold onto that glass, it is a special one” or “Hold the
coat up so it doesn’t drag”. This requires much thought and
practice but is well worth the effort.
Try to eliminate words you use that
may be ridiculing (“You’re being a big baby.”), name-calling (“You’re a really
bad boy.”), and shaming (“I was so ashamed of you today”). This type of
language achieves very little except leaving your child feeling worthless. Kids
will often cut off communication with those who use these words with them and
begin to develop a poor self-concept.
Positive and kind words give your
child more confidence, makes them feel happier, helps them behave better,
encourages them to try hard and achieve success. They learn to imitate you
and deliver the same respect and praise to others.
Examples of positive words are: “I
like to way you remembered to pack up your toys”, “Thank you for helping me
clean up this mess”, “You tried so hard to share your things with your sister,
it made me feel really happy”.
- Connect with your childwith eye contact. You may need to get down to
their level or sit at the table with them. When you are chatting with
your kids, this shows them also what they should do. Not only is it
good manners, it helps you to listen to each other.Say your child’s name
until you get their eye contact, especially before giving them a
direction. It is important that they give you their attention, and
you should model the same behaviour for them.
- Use volume appropriately – When in the classroom teaching, I used to have a
class next door to me whose teacher always yelled. The kids used to
put in their earplugs and eventually stopped listening at all. The
teacher was always trying to yell over the noise of the kids, what a
nightmare!
The same applies for at home, don’t
ever compete with a yelling child. When they have calmed down, then
talk. If you use the volume of your voice appropriately for the majority
of the time, raising your voice in an urgent situation should not be
ignored. They will sit up and take notice because it doesn’t happen all of
the time.
Yelling orders or directions from
another room may also fall on deaf ears after a while, for example yelling
“Turn off the TV now please Chad” or “Hurry up and get dressed” from the
kitchen gives the impression that you’re busy and not too serious.
Walking into the room, joining in
for a minute or two and waiting for the commercial break will go down with far
more cooperation. You are modelling respectful behaviour to start with and
you have come to them with your direction, so they know you mean it!
5. Suggest
options and alternatives – When you want your kids to cooperate with you,
it is far easier if they can understand why they need them to do something and
how it is to their advantage to do so. They need to see the importance of
following your directions.
For example, ”When you get
dressed, you may go outside with Daddy”, “Which jumper would you like to put
on, the red one or the blue one?”, “When you do your homework, you can then
watch tv”, “Which book would you like to read, this one or that one?” “When you
are dressed for school, you may then play with your toys”.
By adopting words like “when” and
“which” makes the child feel as though they have choices, even though there is
no room for negotiation. This works far better than using “if” words.
Also, try to include your child in helping
you solve a problem. For example, instead of saying “Don’t leave your toy
trucks out there”, try saying “George, think about where you should store your
toy trucks so they’re in a safe place, come and tell me when you’ve decided on
a good spot.”
Try to offer alternatives rather
than saying a straight out “no” or “don’t”. For example “You can’t get the
paints out just now, but you could draw with the crayons instead”.
6. Keep it
simple – Young kids have trouble following too many directions given at
once. We can probably relate to that when we ask someone for directions to
a destination and are bombarded with instructions we later forget.
Try to stagger your requests into
small blocks. Eg instead of saying, “Helen, go and pack up your toys, but
first put your dirty shoes outside and then feed the cat”. Chances are,
Helen will feed the cat then go outside to play because feeding the cat is the
last thing she remembers you asking.
Even though we want to improve our
communication with our kids, be preceptive to their level of interest in the
conversation. If they are getting the blank stare, call it quits. If
you feel as though you’re waffling on, try to use a more direct approach next
time you visit the subject.
7. Keep away
from nagging – At the end of each school day, I wanted the children in my
class to tidy the room before home time. I felt that they should learn to
tidy up after themselves and take pride in their room. I knew that if I
went around asking each child to pick up their rubbish, wipe their desks, empty
the rubbish bins, and clean the sink nothing would get done.
So I created a job chart. Each
job had a child’s name next to it and I showed it to them at the start of each
week. I would rotate the jobs weekly to avoid monotony. I explained
that five minutes before home time each day it would be “job time”. Just
before the bell, I would walk around the room and pick which job or jobs were
completed to perfection. That child or children would receive a bonus or
prize. My room was immaculate each day and I hardly had to say a thing!
This can work well at home
too. Either writing things down or having a chart with incentives in
place, eliminate lots of nagging. It is important to make sure you recognise
and praise effort, and reward desired behaviour.
Try to set a time where kids know
what is expected. They thrive on routines. For example, set a time to
do their chores in the afternoons. When they are playing they don’t like
to be interrupted, just as much as we don’t when reading a good book. If
they know what is expected and when you shouldn’t have to nag all
of the time.
8. Model and
expect good manners – Good manners at home or anywhere shouldn’t be
optional. If you model good manners to your children and everyone else,
they will see that good manners is expected and displayed on a consistent
level. Start teaching your children to say the basics like “please” and
“thank you” before they can talk.
Children deserve the common courtesy
of manners that adults use with each other. They will often imitate the
speech and behaviour of their parents and carers. Say “please”, “thank
you” and “you’re welcome” to your kids as you would anyone else.
9. Be gentle
but firm – if you have made your decision about something, stick to
it. Make sure you and your partner agree on the issue and stay united on
your decision.
Your kids may not like the decision
at the time, but they will know it stands firm and won’t bother persisting with
either of you or playing one parent off against the other.
Make your requests important and
speak as though you mean it. Requesting made in a wishy-washy tone gives
kids the impression you are not that concerned whether they follow your request
or not.
10. Ask open-ended
questions – If you want to get your kids to think more and open their
minds, you need to ask them open-ended questions. That is, questions that
are not answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. They are invitations
to say more, and share their ideas and feelings.
For example, instead of asking “Did
you enjoy Peter’s party today?” you could ask “What was the best part of
Peter’s party today?”
Respond to their ideas to show them
you are interested in what they have to say and that they are important to you
eg “Really?”, “I understand.” ”What about…” “That is interesting”.
11. Check for understanding
– if you find that your child is not responding to your requests or getting
confused by your instructions or conversations, remember to check for their
understanding before moving on to the next topic.
Ask them to repeat what you have
said. If they can’t, you know that it is too long or complicated for them
to understand. Try to rephrase your choice of words with shorter and
simpler sentences.
12. Explain what you want
with “I” messages – When asking your child to do something, you will
receive a greater response by explaining what you want in terms of thoughts and
feelings by sending “I messages”. This is far more effective than using
orders or sending “you messages”.
It lets your child know how their
behavior makes you feel. Kids sometimes don’t consider how their behaviour
will affect others. By using this strategy, it may help them give more
consideration to their actions and it gives them more responsibility to change
their behavior.
For example “I would like you to
come over here please” instead of “Come over here” or “I would like you to give
Oliver a turn please” instead of “Give Oliver a turn!” It is a softer
approach and children who are willing to please will respond to this type of
language.
Explaining how you feel also helps
kids to see why they should comply. For example “When you run away from
mummy in the store I feel worried because you could get lost”. Use “when
you…. I feel….because….” words.
13. Give notice – If your
child is fully engrossed with something or an activity and it is time to move
on or leave. Give them some advance warning so they get used to the
idea. For example “George, it is nearly time to go. Start saying
good-bye to the puppy please”.
14. Use enquiry-based listening
– Show your kids that they have your full attention and you care enough to
listen to them. Reading the paper, vacuuming and working on the computer
are too distracting to give your kids your full attention.
If you really cannot talk at that
point, don’t pretend to be listening. Promise them a time when you can
listen and be sure to follow through.
Show that you are interested in what
they have to say by using inquiry based listening. This is when you
respond to them with words that encourage more conversation. For example
“Sounds like you’re saying…….” Or “How did that make you feel?” or “Do you
mean……?”
15. Make time for
one-on-one conversations – This is especially important if there is quite
an age gap between your kids. Sometimes older siblings talk over the top of
the younger ones, and sometimes the younger ones just prefer to let the older
siblings do all the talking.
Conversations with older siblings
can sometimes be over and above the younger kids level of
communication. Plus older siblings require stimulating conversations where
they can learn and inquire for more information.
Therefore, try to get some
one-to-one time with your siblings alone at different times so you can really
talk at their level and use appropriate vocabulary. It might just be while
walking to the park, reading a book together before bed, or driving to get an
ice cream. It doesn’t have to be structured time, but make quality use of
opportunities as they arise.
16. Don’t sweat the small stuff. By
all means, enforce your serious rules firmly, but try not to sweat the small
stuff. Often times kids will tune out from listening to their parents if
they tend to lecture over little things a lot.
For example, telling your child what
they “ought” to be doing all the time will eventually fall on deaf ears. They
are not thinking for themselves what they ought to be doing because they are
always being told.
For example, instead of saying, “You
must listen to your teacher at school, or else you won’t understand”. Try
to use an approach where they can think for themselves what they should
do. Use inquiry based questioning such as “What do you find hard to
understand at school? Why do you think you find this difficult? What
could you do in class to learn more from your teacher?”
With this approach you are able to
have a more connected discussion where the child has to think of a resolution
and strategy for improving their behavior or problem. When you do need to
enforce a more serious rule that is not negotiable, your kids are more likely
to listen.
17. Be considerate. Think
about the way that you talk to your friends. Then think about the way you
speak to your kids. Is it with the same consideration and tone? More
wonderful relationships with kids would develop if adults gave as much thought
and consideration talking to their kids as they do when talking to their
friends.
18. Show acceptance. When
you show your kids that you accept and love them just the way they are despite
their differences, they will be more likely to share their feelings and
problems with you. They will know that as they grow and change, you will
be there for them no matter what.
We do not have to accept
inappropriate behavior such as violence or teasing. We can however accept
and love our kids as they are by their character, personality and individual
interests.
For example: Oliver says “Mum, I am
feeling scared to go to bed”. A response to encourage more
communication would be:
“That’s okay Oliver. I will
leave the door open and turn on your night light. I will pop in later to
check on you”.
A poor response would be:
“Don’t be a big cry baby
Oliver. You’re old enough to know better than that. Only baby boys
get scared!”
19. Don’t interrupt. Try
not to interrupt of scold your kids when they are telling you a
story. Kids will lose interest in sharing their feelings with you if you
shift away from their story and use the time to teach them a lesson.
For example, Henry came home really
excited from Sally’s place and started to tell his mother all about the great
time he had playing down by the dam. His mother rudely interrupted his
story and began to lecture him on the dangers of playing around
water. Henry didn’t finish his story and thought twice about sharing his
experiences with his mother the next time.
Henry’s mother certainly should
remind him of the rule about playing near water and ensuring there is an adult
present, but at another time or at least when he has finished his story.
20. Make conversation a priority
with your kids. Open and comfortable communication with your kids
develops confidence, self-esteem, good relationships with others, cooperation
and warm relationships with you. Take the time and effort to foster your
relationship and communication skills by talking with your kids as much as you
can.
Remember that talking with
kids is a two way street. Talk with them and then hear what they have to
say. Listening is just as important as talking.
