How to Deal With Anxiety

Anxiety is an emotion we all experience from time to time. It is natural to feel stressedout before an upcoming performance or during a particularly busy or overstimulating period. However, if you experience a stretch of anxiety that you can’t seem to kick, a closer examination of your habits may be in order. When you are struggling with anxiety, it can seem impossible to overcome. Taking the following measures can help reduce your anxiety level, both in the heat of the moment and on a long-term basis.
Examine Your Anxiety

Identify the source of your anxiety. Whether you have a panic attack or a sudden bout of worry and fear, it is important to determine what is causing your anxiety. Is something in your environment the primary source? Is a possible mishap the origin? Is an impending activity, meeting, or event the cause? You can handle a fear much easier when you are clear about what it is.

Consider the worst. If your fear is mind-consuming, take a moment to think about the honest and absolute worse thing that could happen as a result of it. Perhaps you’re getting ready to do a huge presentation, and you begin to panic. Stop and think “what is the worst that could happen?” No matter how creative your response may be, thinking critically will lead to to find that should it occur, there are few endings that can’t be dealt with in a reasonable manner.

Determine if your worry is solvable. If you know what your fear is, the next step is to determine if it is something you can deal with, or something that only time (or your imagination) can manage. If your fear is largely imagination or can’t be dealt with now, then make the conscious effort to put it out of your mind. If your worry is something that needs to be dealt with, then take steps to create a course of action.
What can you do to lessen this fear or worry?
Is this a long term or a short term fix?
What can I do to prevent this worry or fear from recurring?

Consider the use of your worry. You are worried for a reason – anxiety is a fear response to a real or imagined scenario. Problems arise when we begin worrying about things that don’t actually cause us danger. So, think about the purpose of your worry. Is it helpful? If you’re afraid of a legitimately dangerous situation, then your worry is being put to good use. If however, you are anxious without a purpose, then your worry has the best of you. Remembering that can help to bring you down off of an anxiety high.

Accept uncertainty. It can be tough to stop worrying when you’re never quite sure how a scenario will play out. At this point, it is important to simply accept the ever-present fact of uncertainty. We can’t know how something will go, or what the ending may be; worrying about the unknown is an unnecessary source of fear that can be avoided with the simple acceptance of chance.
Change Your Lifestyle

Incorporate mood-enhancing foods into your diet. Keeping yourself healthy with a balanced diet can go a long way toward stabilizing your mood. If you’re getting the right nutrients, your body will be better able to ward off anxiety during stressful situations.
Consume more foods high in antioxidants such as blueberries and acai berries. These help to raise mood levels and lower the hormones responsible for stress.
Foods high in minerals like magnesium and potassium, such as bran, dark chocolate, pumpkin seeds, fish, and almonds work wonders for stress. Most people do not get the recommended amount of magnesium which results in a variety of symptoms including anxiety.
Foods and drinks that have GAMA, a type of neurotransmitter that increases sleep and relaxation, should be consumed on a regular basis. Some of these include kefir (a cultured dairy product), kimchee, and oolong tea.

Eliminate anxiety-inducing foods from your diet. It sounds almost too simple, but changing what you ingest on a daily basis can have a huge impact on your anxiety level. Rethink your consumption of the following common anxiety provokers:
Coffee. The most popular “energy drink” of all time may also be one of the leading causes of anxiety. If you drink coffee every morning, try switching to decaffeinated tea or just water for a few weeks. It may be hard to give up, but chances are you’ll see a reduction in your stress levels over this period of time.
Sugar and starch. People often see eating sugary and starchy treats as an option for stress reduction, since comfort foods like ice cream and cookies provide a momentary sense of, well, comfort. However, the rise and fall of blood sugar that occurs after eating these foods can actually make your emotions yo-yo even more. Try replacing these foods with fruits and vegetables to avoid sugar highs and lows.
Alcohol. After a stressful day at work, many unwind over a few drinks. Alcohol makes stress feel far away in the moment, but the after-effect cancels out the temporary sense of relaxation. Drink sparingly, and when you do drink, make sure to hydrate to reduce the chance of getting a very stressful hangover.

Use deep breathing exercises. Breathing deeply and slowly has immediate effects on your stress level. Most people practice shallow chest breathing, drawing breath into the upper portions of their lungs and exhaling at a rapid rate. When we’re feeling stressed, we tend to breathe even more quickly, which stresses us out even more. Instead, focus on bringing air into the lower portion of your lungs, breathing as deeply as possible. This helps decrease your blood pressure, relax your muscles, and calm you down.
Try to be mindful of your breathing even when you aren’t feeling anxious. Deep breathing is important no matter what your state of mind.
Try breathing in for a count of 4, holding for a count of 3, and breathing out for a count of 4. Keeping your total number of breaths to 8 or less in one minute will help to immediately reduce anxiety levels.

Try exercises that relieve anxiety. Studies have shown that regular exercise relieves symptoms of everyday anxiety and also helps to treat anxiety disorders. It improves feelings of well-being both in the moment and for hours afterward.
Cardiovascular exercises such as running or biking as well as weight training and other muscle-building exercises all serve the purpose of reducing anxiety.
Consider giving yoga a try. The soothing atmosphere of yoga studios, and the chance to be quiet and internally-focused for an hour or so, make this physical activity particularly conducive to calming anxiety.
If the thought of exercising itself makes you anxious, try incorporating low-impact physical activity into your routines. You don’t have to play a team sport or join a gym to get enough exercise; simply walking around your neighborhood can go a long way toward boosting your mood every day.

Induce relaxation at home. When you’re at home you should be totally anxiety free; your home should be your sanctuary. When you are dealing with a lot of anxiety, take some time and relax at home. Take a hot bath, listen to calming music, and avoid anything that might worsen your anxiety. Make sure that you give yourself ample time to enjoy these things throughout your day or week.

Do something you love. Often times anxiety builds up when you don’t get a chance to detox from life’s problems. Take at least ten minutes during your day to practice a hobby or past time which brings you peace. This may be reading, sports, playing music, art, anything really. Giving yourself an outlet will help to remove the anxiety from your mind both immediately and in the long run.
Try taking a new class in a field of interest to you. If you love jewelry, look into a local ring making class. If you’ve always wanted to learn a new language, start taking lessons from a local teacher or audit a language class at a local community college.
During the times that you are doing your favorite things, make a conscious decision to avoid thinking about your stressors. Removing them from your thoughts will allow you to enjoy your activity much more, and help prevent future ruminations.

Get lots of sleep. Lack of sleep prevents your body from clearing out excess cortisol from your system. Cortisol is a hormone, which in high levels, is responsible for causing anxiety and stress. Make sure that you’re getting between 8-9 hours of good sleep every night.
Try going to bed and waking up at the same times every day. This will help to regulate your sleep cycle, which will help you to get better nights of sleep.
If you’re having a hard time falling or staying asleep, try using melatonin supplements. Melatonin is a hormone your body creates to help you fall asleep. You can buy the hormone in low dose pills from most health food stores.
Avoid your phone, laptop, and television in the hour before you go to bed. These are often sources of anxiety, but also prevent proper melatonin production in your body because of the bright light they put off.


Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you keep a busy schedule, bring work back with you from the office, and stress about perfecting your school papers, you’re likely often overwhelming yourself and creating more anxiety than is necessary. Keep a schedule of your necessary activities and cut everything else out for a bit. Giving yourself alone time to deal with your anxiety will help you to overcome it in the long run.
Although getting together with friends regularly is always nice, doing it too often can cause anxiety about letting them down and not having time to yourself. Spread out friend dates with plenty of time for yourself in between.
Learn to say “no” to some requests. Whether it be another commitment from work or piling on errands, turning down invites is okay from time to time.
Deal With Anxiety Using Mental Tactics

Try not to jump to conclusions. If you lack facts and have yet to experience your worry or fear, then jumping to conclusions about what might happen will do you no good. If an uncertainty lays before you, you can reduce your anxiety by realizing (and admitting) that you don’t know what may happen. Consider all possible outcomes, rather than jumping to the most morbid or unlikely.

Focus on both the positive and the negative. When you are anxious about something, it can be incredibly easy to see only the negative aspects of it. As with all things though, there must be a positive facet to your fear-filled situation as well. Don’t focus on a single negative event while completely ignoring other related positives ones at the same time.

Don’t make it into a catastrophe. If your fear is of something non-dangerous and possibly even imagined, one of the surefire ways to make it worse is to turn it into a catastrophe. If you’re anxious about flying on a plane, and at the first sign of turbulence turn it into a crash, you are making your anxiety worse. See every situation as it really is, rather than what it could be.

Avoid thinking in terms of “all or nothing.“ No matter what situation is about to go down, it’s unlikely that the outcome is completely black or white. Don’t allow yourself to ignore gray areas and overdramatize something. For example, assuming that if you don’t get accepted to a particular college, you’re a total failure and nobody will want you. This type of thinking is common with anxiety, but is also totally irrational.

Avoid making everything personal. When anxiety strikes, don’t allow it to force you to take blame for a situation outside of your control. If you’re anxious and scared because your house was broken into, it may be easy to take it personally and blame yourself for the break-in. This type of thinking is illogical though, and will make you feel worse. Unless you invited thieves knowingly into your home, you can’t be held accountable for the robbing they did.

Avoid sources of anxiety you can’t control. If a certain type of situation makes you feel anxious, it’s OK to simply avoid it. If you hate flying, and don’t feel this fear is ever going to abate, it’s OK to drive. Know your limits, and practice self preservation.
If certain people in your life cause you anxiety and you don’t feel comfortable/can’t confront them, make changes so that you don’t have to be around them.
If your work or school is stressing you out, take a time during the day where you turn off your cellphone and laptop to remove yourself from the anxiety they cause. If you know you get anxious being glued to your email because of work, take it out of your life for a bit.

Confront sources of anxiety you can control. There are many different situations that induce anxiety, and it’s helpful to pinpoint exactly what might be making you anxious and take steps to confront it. If you’re behind on doing your taxes, for example, you may feel like you’ve got a yoke around your shoulders until the chore is finally done.
Keep a journal to help you figure out what exactly is making your mood dip. Writing down your thoughts can often reveal sources of stress you hadn’t yet acknowledged to yourself.
Even if a particular source of anxiety feels as though it is out of your control, you may be able to change something about the situation to make it feel less stressful to you. For example, if you feel anxious about the holidays months before the time to visit with family actually rolls around, figure out a way to approach the situation differently. Try hosting your extended family at your house so you won’t have to travel, or holding your celebration at a restaurant so you don’t have to host. Look at the flexible side of stressful situations.

Meditate or pray. Consciously taking your thoughts off of your stressor and focusing them inwards on something peaceful will reduce your anxiety and fear immensely. When anxious thoughts start to hit, retreat inwards and repeat a positive mantra to yourself or pray. Focus entirely on this, and eventually your anxiety will evaporate on its own.

Try visualization. This is a process of clearing your mind of anxiety-inducing thoughts and images and replacing them with peaceful thoughts and pictures. Try using guided imagery to picture a place that you feel relaxed and safe in. As you picture the scene, focus on the details so that your mind is fully immersed in the place of your imagination. Forcing your thoughts away from your anxiety will calm both your body and your mind, and prepare your for dealing with whatever is causing you your anxiety.

Ask for help. For many people, talking about anxiety is a very helpful release. If you need to vent, ask your spouse or a friend for advice and tell them how you feel. Sometimes just putting your feelings into words can take a lot of stress away.
If you lean on the same person for advice too often, your problems may overburden someone else. If you have a lot of anxiety to work through, consider seeing a therapist. You’ll be free to discuss your problems as much as you need to in the knowledge that a trained professional is there to help.
Consider Medication

See a therapist. Know when it’s time to get a doctor involved. If you are experiencing chronic anxiety and feel you may have an anxiety disorder, make an appointment with a psychologist or a psychiatrist. It’s very difficult to treat anxiety disorders without the help of a doctor, and the sooner you see one, the faster you’ll feel better.

Try a natural remedy. Certain herbs, teas, and supplements are said to decrease symptoms of anxiety. Try the following options:
The chamomile flower is traditionally used to treat anxiety, stress, and an upset stomach. It has properties that are similar to anti-depressant drugs. It can be brewed into tea or taken as a supplement.
Ginseng is said to help the body reduce stress. Try taking a ginseng supplement daily for its anxiety-fighting effects.
Kava kava is a Polynesian plant said to have a sedative effect that relieves anxiety. See if your local health foods store carries this supplement, or order it online.
Valerian root is popular in Europe for its sedative properties. Take it when you are experiencing difficult bouts of anxiety that you can’t seem to overcome.

Consider anti-anxiety drugs. If you experience prolonged anxiety that affects your ability to sleep and go about your day for an extended period of time, it’s time to schedule an appointment with a doctor. Panic attacks, extreme social anxiety, and other symptoms can be effectively treated with a prescription drug that suits your needs.
WARNINGS
Don’t take herbal supplements without first talking to your doctor.
Severe anxiety and depression should be treated by a health professional. Please see your doctor if you are worried about your condition.
TIPS
Be kind to yourself. Anxiety is a very common emotion, and you do not have to face it alone.
Most importantly remember that anxiety is just all in the head. Be yourself and don’t care what others think about you. You’ve got to be confident so others will see the light also.
Realize that your anxiety will not disappear instantly. It takes a long time to retrain your body and mind to cope with the feelings of anxiety.
Don’t hide your anxiety from others. Share with those you trust and work through it together not alone.

How Doing These Simple Things Can Keep You From Being A Bad Father

How Doing These Simple Things Can Keep You From Being A Bad Father

1. Love Shines Over All.
Share love with your children. Showing them love lets them know how to treat others, especially in their future relationships when they get older. Daughters will tend to look for qualities in their partners that remind them of their father and boys will take a father’s loving behavior as an example on how to treat their wife and children.

2. Never Overestimate Spending Time with Your Children.
Children remember the moments that they spent hanging out with their dad. It is one of those things that you never forget and a memory you cherish for a lifetime. So when you can, as often as you can, hang out with your kids.

3. Make an Effort to go to Your Child’s Events.
Remember when you were a child and you had that sparkle in your eyes when your parents came to your events? Do yourself, and more importantly, your children, a favor by attending their school events as much as possible, no matter how trivial it seems. It means the world to your child and speaks volumes on how much you care about them.

4. Include Your Child in your Favorite Activities.
A father can share a world of information by just including their child with them and you may learn more about each other than you ever thought. Take your child with you on the golf course on Saturday or take them to your band practice. Not only spend time are you spending fun, quality time with your children, but they also feel extra special that you chose to enjoy and share the things that you like with them.

5. Talk to Your Children.
This may sound trivial but think about the last time you actually had a conversation with your child, regardless of their age. Being able to converse about anything from My Little Pony to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to buying a car is very valuable and keeps the lines of communication open. Social media and technology are actually causing a disconnect within society, forcing us to use an iPad instead of talking to each other. So put the gadgets away and spend time learning about their life. You never now what you will learn from each other.

6. Bedtime Stories Are the Best
Spending time reading stories together, whether you are in the same house or thousands of miles away, thanks to technology, you can still read a bedtime story to your children. Reading a story is beneficial to their minds and your parent/child relationship. It’s a simple act that they will always remember and something they’ll probably do with their children.

7. Show Gratitude Everyday
Children learn from their fathers. Plain and simple. Actions speak louder than words. Be grateful every day for what you have and instill that in your children. It’s a lesson that will keep them from being spoiled as well as help shape a healthy perspective on life.

8. Always Make Time For Play
Yes, we know that fathers have to work but you must always schedule time to relax and goof around with your kids. Spend time with them playing and not worrying about work. Who knows? Your child may be the one giving you the answer to solve your problems.

9. Treat Others with Respect and Kindness
When you make it a priority to be kind and respectful to others in the community, your children will do the same. You are the first role model a child has; make sure you lead them in the right direction.

10. Smile More
Children love sharing joy and happiness. When you show your children that you are content and genuinely happy, your children will adopt the same attitude and get into the habit of seeing the bright side of life in every situation.

11. Lead a Life of Intention
Being a role model as a father means that you must be encouraging children to do what they love in life and see life as a canvas to paint your own destiny. The best way to impart this lesson is to live your life with intention and to pursue your ‘bliss.’

12. Say “I Love You”
Even if children think they are too old to hear “I love you,” it will ring in their ears and will be something they will never forget. Love wins and when you continuously express it to those you love, they will always do the same.

Fathers are important to every child and make a lasting impression that no one else can replace. You are worth more in a child’s eye than you can ever imagine. By sharing love, happiness, and spending quality time with your child, you are making a positive and lasting impact that they will carry with them throughout their lives

Damaging parenting behaviors

7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and of the world’s enterprises:

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1. We don’t let our children experience risk

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse effect. Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults. Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.

2. We rescue too quickly

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own. It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.

3. We rave too easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a winner. This “everyone gets a trophy” mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.

4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well

Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what they really value and need. As parents, we tend to give them what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple kids. When one does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise and reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent upon our own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.

5. We don’t share our past mistakes

Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and they’ll need to try things on their own. We as adults must let them, but that doesn’t mean we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share with them the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that helps them learn to make good choices. (Avoid negative “lessons learned” having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.) Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.

6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case. Some professional athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas. There is no magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.

7. We don’t practice what we preach

As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.

20 Ways To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen

The WAY we talk to our kids has a huge impact on their learning and ability to listen to us.

We are constantly modeling to our kids how to act and behave and the way we talk to them fits right into this category. The way we speak to them and those around us is showing them how we want them to speak back to us.

I have found that there are generally three different ways that parents communicate with their kids. The first one is in an aggressive way. These parents yell a lot, put their kids down and use attacking words. Their children respond in many different ways, mainly by playing up a lot more, feeling fearful, yelling back and ignoring their parents’ constant orders.

The second form of communication commonly seen is a passive form. These parents mutter soft, cautious words and tones to their kids finding that they run riot and walk all over them. Unfortunately these parents are so passive that sometimes when they are pushed to their limits, they suddenly turn their communication into an aggressive tone.

Lastly the third way that parents can communicate with their kids is in an assertive way. This is what I have found to be by far the most effective way to communicate with kids at all levels. An assertive way of communicating is firm, consistent, clear, positive, warm and confident. Communicating with kids in an assertive way is a real skill yet it shows your kids that mum and dad know what they’re going on about and to listen.

Here are my 20 top tips for improving the WAY we talk to our kids:

1. Use your child’s name. Your own name is music to your ears. Our kids are no different, plus it helps to get their attention before delivering your message. eg “George, please go and get……..”. Young children can often only concentrate on one thing at a time. Call your child’s name until you have their attention before you speak. Eg “Helen”. (Wait until she stops kicking the ball and looks at you.) ”Lunch will be ready in ten minutes”.

1. Use positive language– try not to being saying “no” or “don’t” all of the time. There is no doubt that if we say “Don’t drop that glass” or “No running inside” or “Don’t drag your coat in the dirt” your child has that image and thought imbedded in their mind and more times than not, they will drop the glass!Instead, try to word what you want them to do. Eg “Only walking inside please” or “Hold onto that glass, it is a special one” or “Hold the coat up so it doesn’t drag”.   This requires much thought and practice but is well worth the effort.

Try to eliminate words you use that may be ridiculing (“You’re being a big baby.”), name-calling (“You’re a really bad boy.”), and shaming (“I was so ashamed of you today”). This type of language achieves very little except leaving your child feeling worthless. Kids will often cut off communication with those who use these words with them and begin to develop a poor self-concept.

Positive and kind words give your child more confidence, makes them feel happier, helps them behave better, encourages them to try hard and achieve success. They learn to imitate you and deliver the same respect and praise to others.

Examples of positive words are: “I like to way you remembered to pack up your toys”, “Thank you for helping me clean up this mess”, “You tried so hard to share your things with your sister, it made me feel really happy”.

1. Connect with your childwith eye contact. You may need to get down to their level or sit at the table with them. When you are chatting with your kids, this shows them also what they should do. Not only is it good manners, it helps you to listen to each other.Say your child’s name until you get their eye contact, especially before giving them a direction. It is important that they give you their attention, and you should model the same behaviour for them.

1. Use volume appropriately – When in the classroom teaching, I used to have a class next door to me whose teacher always yelled. The kids used to put in their earplugs and eventually stopped listening at all. The teacher was always trying to yell over the noise of the kids, what a nightmare!

The same applies for at home, don’t ever compete with a yelling child. When they have calmed down, then talk. If you use the volume of your voice appropriately for the majority of the time, raising your voice in an urgent situation should not be ignored. They will sit up and take notice because it doesn’t happen all of the time.

Yelling orders or directions from another room may also fall on deaf ears after a while, for example yelling “Turn off the TV now please Chad” or “Hurry up and get dressed” from the kitchen gives the impression that you’re busy and not too serious.

Walking into the room, joining in for a minute or two and waiting for the commercial break will go down with far more cooperation. You are modelling respectful behaviour to start with and you have come to them with your direction, so they know you mean it!

5.    Suggest options and alternatives – When you want your kids to cooperate with you, it is far easier if they can understand why they need them to do something and how it is to their advantage to do so. They need to see the importance of following your directions.

For example, ”When you get dressed, you may go outside with Daddy”, “Which jumper would you like to put on, the red one or the blue one?”, “When you do your homework, you can then watch tv”, “Which book would you like to read, this one or that one?” “When you are dressed for school, you may then play with your toys”.

By adopting words like “when” and “which” makes the child feel as though they have choices, even though there is no room for negotiation. This works far better than using “if” words.

Also, try to include your child in helping you solve a problem. For example, instead of saying “Don’t leave your toy trucks out there”, try saying “George, think about where you should store your toy trucks so they’re in a safe place, come and tell me when you’ve decided on a good spot.”

Try to offer alternatives rather than saying a straight out “no” or “don’t”. For example “You can’t get the paints out just now, but you could draw with the crayons instead”.

6.    Keep it simple – Young kids have trouble following too many directions given at once. We can probably relate to that when we ask someone for directions to a destination and are bombarded with instructions we later forget.

Try to stagger your requests into small blocks. Eg instead of saying, “Helen, go and pack up your toys, but first put your dirty shoes outside and then feed the cat”. Chances are, Helen will feed the cat then go outside to play because feeding the cat is the last thing she remembers you asking.

Even though we want to improve our communication with our kids, be preceptive to their level of interest in the conversation. If they are getting the blank stare, call it quits. If you feel as though you’re waffling on, try to use a more direct approach next time you visit the subject.

7.    Keep away from nagging – At the end of each school day, I wanted the children in my class to tidy the room before home time. I felt that they should learn to tidy up after themselves and take pride in their room. I knew that if I went around asking each child to pick up their rubbish, wipe their desks, empty the rubbish bins, and clean the sink nothing would get done.

So I created a job chart. Each job had a child’s name next to it and I showed it to them at the start of each week. I would rotate the jobs weekly to avoid monotony. I explained that five minutes before home time each day it would be “job time”. Just before the bell, I would walk around the room and pick which job or jobs were completed to perfection. That child or children would receive a bonus or prize. My room was immaculate each day and I hardly had to say a thing!

This can work well at home too. Either writing things down or having a chart with incentives in place, eliminate lots of nagging. It is important to make sure you recognise and praise effort, and reward desired behaviour.

Try to set a time where kids know what is expected. They thrive on routines. For example, set a time to do their chores in the afternoons. When they are playing they don’t like to be interrupted, just as much as we don’t when reading a good book. If they know what is expected and when you shouldn’t have to nag all of the time.

8.    Model and expect good manners – Good manners at home or anywhere shouldn’t be optional. If you model good manners to your children and everyone else, they will see that good manners is expected and displayed on a consistent level. Start teaching your children to say the basics like “please” and “thank you” before they can talk.

Children deserve the common courtesy of manners that adults use with each other. They will often imitate the speech and behaviour of their parents and carers. Say “please”, “thank you” and “you’re welcome” to your kids as you would anyone else.

9.    Be gentle but firm – if you have made your decision about something, stick to it. Make sure you and your partner agree on the issue and stay united on your decision.

Your kids may not like the decision at the time, but they will know it stands firm and won’t bother persisting with either of you or playing one parent off against the other.

Make your requests important and speak as though you mean it. Requesting made in a wishy-washy tone gives kids the impression you are not that concerned whether they follow your request or not.

10.  Ask open-ended questions – If you want to get your kids to think more and open their minds, you need to ask them open-ended questions. That is, questions that are not answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. They are invitations to say more, and share their ideas and feelings.

For example, instead of asking “Did you enjoy Peter’s party today?” you could ask “What was the best part of Peter’s party today?”

Respond to their ideas to show them you are interested in what they have to say and that they are important to you eg “Really?”, “I understand.” ”What about…” “That is interesting”.

11.  Check for understanding – if you find that your child is not responding to your requests or getting confused by your instructions or conversations, remember to check for their understanding before moving on to the next topic.

Ask them to repeat what you have said. If they can’t, you know that it is too long or complicated for them to understand. Try to rephrase your choice of words with shorter and simpler sentences.

12.  Explain what you want with “I” messages – When asking your child to do something, you will receive a greater response by explaining what you want in terms of thoughts and feelings by sending “I messages”. This is far more effective than using orders or sending “you messages”.

It lets your child know how their behavior makes you feel. Kids sometimes don’t consider how their behaviour will affect others. By using this strategy, it may help them give more consideration to their actions and it gives them more responsibility to change their behavior.

For example “I would like you to come over here please” instead of “Come over here” or “I would like you to give Oliver a turn please” instead of “Give Oliver a turn!” It is a softer approach and children who are willing to please will respond to this type of language.

Explaining how you feel also helps kids to see why they should comply. For example “When you run away from mummy in the store I feel worried because you could get lost”. Use “when you…. I feel….because….” words.

13. Give notice – If your child is fully engrossed with something or an activity and it is time to move on or leave. Give them some advance warning so they get used to the idea. For example “George, it is nearly time to go. Start saying good-bye to the puppy please”.

14. Use enquiry-based listening – Show your kids that they have your full attention and you care enough to listen to them. Reading the paper, vacuuming and working on the computer are too distracting to give your kids your full attention.

If you really cannot talk at that point, don’t pretend to be listening. Promise them a time when you can listen and be sure to follow through.

Show that you are interested in what they have to say by using inquiry based listening. This is when you respond to them with words that encourage more conversation. For example “Sounds like you’re saying…….” Or “How did that make you feel?” or “Do you mean……?”

15.   Make time for one-on-one conversations – This is especially important if there is quite an age gap between your kids. Sometimes older siblings talk over the top of the younger ones, and sometimes the younger ones just prefer to let the older siblings do all the talking.

Conversations with older siblings can sometimes be over and above the younger kids level of communication. Plus older siblings require stimulating conversations where they can learn and inquire for more information.

Therefore, try to get some one-to-one time with your siblings alone at different times so you can really talk at their level and use appropriate vocabulary. It might just be while walking to the park, reading a book together before bed, or driving to get an ice cream. It doesn’t have to be structured time, but make quality use of opportunities as they arise.

16. Don’t sweat the small stuff. By all means, enforce your serious rules firmly, but try not to sweat the small stuff. Often times kids will tune out from listening to their parents if they tend to lecture over little things a lot.

For example, telling your child what they “ought” to be doing all the time will eventually fall on deaf ears. They are not thinking for themselves what they ought to be doing because they are always being told.

For example, instead of saying, “You must listen to your teacher at school, or else you won’t understand”. Try to use an approach where they can think for themselves what they should do. Use inquiry based questioning such as “What do you find hard to understand at school? Why do you think you find this difficult? What could you do in class to learn more from your teacher?”

With this approach you are able to have a more connected discussion where the child has to think of a resolution and strategy for improving their behavior or problem. When you do need to enforce a more serious rule that is not negotiable, your kids are more likely to listen.

17. Be considerate. Think about the way that you talk to your friends. Then think about the way you speak to your kids. Is it with the same consideration and tone? More wonderful relationships with kids would develop if adults gave as much thought and consideration talking to their kids as they do when talking to their friends.

18. Show acceptance. When you show your kids that you accept and love them just the way they are despite their differences, they will be more likely to share their feelings and problems with you. They will know that as they grow and change, you will be there for them no matter what.

We do not have to accept inappropriate behavior such as violence or teasing. We can however accept and love our kids as they are by their character, personality and individual interests.

For example: Oliver says “Mum, I am feeling scared to go to bed”. A response to encourage more communication would be:

“That’s okay Oliver. I will leave the door open and turn on your night light. I will pop in later to check on you”.

A poor response would be:

“Don’t be a big cry baby Oliver. You’re old enough to know better than that. Only baby boys get scared!”

19. Don’t interrupt. Try not to interrupt of scold your kids when they are telling you a story. Kids will lose interest in sharing their feelings with you if you shift away from their story and use the time to teach them a lesson.

For example, Henry came home really excited from Sally’s place and started to tell his mother all about the great time he had playing down by the dam. His mother rudely interrupted his story and began to lecture him on the dangers of playing around water. Henry didn’t finish his story and thought twice about sharing his experiences with his mother the next time.

Henry’s mother certainly should remind him of the rule about playing near water and ensuring there is an adult present, but at another time or at least when he has finished his story.

20. Make conversation a priority with your kids. Open and comfortable communication with your kids develops confidence, self-esteem, good relationships with others, cooperation and warm relationships with you. Take the time and effort to foster your relationship and communication skills by talking with your kids as much as you can.

Remember that talking with kids is a two way street. Talk with them and then hear what they have to say. Listening is just as important as talking.

Smart People Never Do

What do you think of when you hear that someone is “smart?” You probably conjure up an image of an intelligent person. But being “smart” is so much more than being able to answer trivia questions and scoring highly on tests. Smart people are also compassionate, imaginative, humble, and appreciative. They view themselves as a small piece of a vast world, and they know that they have the ability to do great things.

And smart people definitely do not do these 10 things.
They don’t let past stumbles dictate their present state.

Smart people know that failure is an essential part of growth. Too many people allow past events to stop them from achieving greatness, but not smart people. They put the past behind them, because they know what’s done is done. They look at stumbles as opportunities to grow and get better.
They don’t focus on the negative.

Smart people know that they are in control of their thoughts. And they choose to focus those thoughts on the positive. Smart people believe wholeheartedly that what the mind can conceive, it can also achieve. They know that life becomes easier and more enjoyable when they harness their ability to dream, wonder, create, build, transform, and love.
They don’t run from their problems.

We all have problems  Whether it’s our jobs, money, family, health, etc., smart people face these problems head-on. They search for creative solutions to their issues. And when smart people stumble, they get up and keep right on walking. They have the courage to face their fears, and treat every problem as an opportunity to improve.
They don’t worry about what other people think about them.

Smart people don’t let the negative opinions of others deter them from living a life filled with happiness and purpose. The world has no shortage of doubters, haters, and cynics. But smart people brush the naysayers aside. They surround themselves with other smart people who share their values and passions.
They don’t waste time.

Author Doug Larsen had this to say about time: “For disappearing acts, it’s hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.” Smart people make the most of their time. They form productive habits that allow them to work smarter, not harder. They don’t waste their time on meaningless tasks. And they also recognize the need to balance purposeful work with mental decompression.
They don’t expect instant gratification.

Smart people understand that good things come to those who wait. We live in a society of instant gratification. In other words, we expect everything to happen quickly and easily. Most people aren’t willing to bust their tail and put in some good old fashioned hard work. Smart people, on the other hand, don’t forget that there is something greater than getting things handed to them on a silver platter—the satisfaction that comes from the every day journey of working toward something they care about.
They don’t focus on things that are out of their control.

We encounter things on a daily basis that we can’t control. Traffic, rude people, bad breaks, and dismay. But smart people take these things in stride. They focus on what they can control, which is how they respond to unfortunate circumstances. They know that calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom, and they make the most of that gift.
They don’t spend time with people who bring them down.


Smart people surround themselves with other smart people. They make time for family, friends, and acquaintances who share their values and appreciation for life. But they also recognize that they need to limit the time they spend with negative people. So they choose to spend most of their time with positive, intelligent, uplifting people.
They don’t display arrogance.

You’ll never hear a smart person tell you they’re smart. That’s because smart people are also humble. They take pride in their humility. They don’t boast about themselves and their accolades.
They don’t go a day without giving thanks.

This is perhaps the most important thing you can do if you want to be “smart.” Smart people know that the world doesn’t revolve around them. They believe in the power of the greater good and know that a simple selfless act as small as a smile to a random stranger may just change someone’s life‒and their own. 

Thanks: Life Hack

Helping Your Child Build Self Esteem

Self-esteem is a very important ingredient for a successful and happy life. A person can be blessed with intelligence and talent but if he or she lacks self-esteem, this can be an obstacle in achieving success in a job, a relationship and in virtually every area of life.

The early years of a child's life are the foundation for a positive self-esteem.

As parents, we cannot control everything our child sees, hears or thinks, which will be contributing to his or her self-image. But there is still much that we could do. We have the child at the earliest years of his life; God has given us a special gift a new human being with a "clean slate." During those early years, what goes into the child’s mind is very impressionable. Parents are therefore provided with a unique, never-to-be-repeated opportunity to set up a "self-esteem bank account" in which the child will store many positive things about him or herself. In the years and decades to come, this "bank account" will balance out negative experiences, which are unavoidable.

So how do we endow our child's bank account? How can we, as parents, build up our child's self-esteem? The following are some suggestions:

1. Show love and affection to your child. All our dealings with our children, starting from infancy, should be done with a lot of affection and love. A baby who was dealt with love and affection will get a subconscious feeling that s/he is worthy and important enough to be loved.
2. Compliment your child. Give your child compliments as often as possible, whenever they do something right. Say, "I am very proud of you. You are very special. I like the way you have done it."
3. Make your compliments credible. It is important, however, that the compliments be credible. Exaggerated compliments like, "You are the best in the world. You are the nicest person that ever lived" can actually be counter-productive. The child will develop an inflated ego, and that can affect his relationship with friends, which in the long run will have a negative effect on his or her self-esteem.
4. Set goals for your child. The goal should be something attainable--to get dressed by herself, to get a certain mark on his next test. Set goals that are suited for the child's age and capabilities (setting a goal which is unattainable will have a negative effect). As the child works toward the goal, coach her along and compliment her success each step along the way. Once the child reaches the goal, compliment her achievement and reinforce her self-image as an achiever.
5. Criticize the action, not the person. When the child does something negative, say to the child, "You are such a good and special child, you should not be engaging in such an activity," instead of saying, "you are a bad child."
6. Validate your child's feelings. When your child suffers a blow to his self-esteem, it's important to validate his feelings. For example, if the child gets offended by a hurtful comment made by a friend or a teacher, say to the child, "Yes, you were offended by what that person said" or "you were offended by the fact that the other person doesn't like you." Only after the child feels that his feelings have been validated will he be open to you bolstering his self-esteem by pointing out the people who do like him, and the positive things that others have said about him.
7. Be proud of your child. On a regular basis, we must remember to tell the child how fortunate and how proud we are to be her parents.
8. Talk positively about your child in the presence of important people in his life, such as grandparents, teachers, friends etc.
9. Never to compare your child to others, saying, "why aren’t you like Johnny?" When such comparisons are made by others, reassure your child that she is special and unique in her own way."
10. Make sure that others dealing with your child know your child's strengths. At the beginning of the school year, speak with your child's teachers and tell them what your child's special strengths are and about the areas in which he or she excels, so that the teacher will have a positive outlook towards them and will continue to build on those strengths.
11. Tell the child on a regular basis that you will love them unconditionally. When they fail, or do the wrong thing, remember to say to them, "You are special to me, I will always love you, no matter what!”
12. Tend to your own self-esteem. You need to see yourself in a positive light. Parents who lack self-esteem will have difficulties bringing up a child with a high self-esteem. A good positive parent is a parent who knows that he or she is not perfect but values him or herself, while always trying to grow and improve.

10Psychological States You've Never Heard Of... and When You Experienced Them

Everybody knows what you mean when you say you're happy or sad. But what about all those emotional states you don't have words for? Here are ten feelings you may have had, but never knew how to explain.


1. Dysphoria

Often used to describe depression in psychological disorders, dysphoria is general state of sadness that includes restlessness, lack of energy, anxiety, and vague irritation. It is the opposite of euphoria, and is different from typical sadness because it often includes a kind of jumpiness and some anger. You have probably experienced it when coming down from a stimulant like chocolate, coffee, or something stronger. Or you may have felt it in response to a distressing situation, extreme boredom, or depression.


2. EnthrallmentPsychology professor W. Gerrod Parrott has broken down human emotions into subcategories, which themselves have their own subcategories. Most of the emotions he identifies, like joy and anger, are pretty recognizable. But one subset of joy, "enthrallment," you may not have heard of before. Unlike the perkier subcategories of joy like cheerfulness, zest, and relief, enthrallment is a state of intense rapture. It is not the same as love or lust. You might experience it when you see an incredible spectacle — a concert, a movie, a rocket taking off — that captures all your attention and elevates your mood to tremendous heights.


3. NormopathyPsychiatric theorist Christopher Bollas invented the idea of normopathy to describe people who are so focused on blending in and conforming to social norms that it becomes a kind of mania. A person who is normotic is often unhealthily fixated on having no personality at all, and only doing exactly what is expected by society. Extreme normopathy is punctuated by breaks from the norm, where normotic person cracks under the pressure of conforming and becomes violent or does something very dangerous. Many people experience mild normopathy at different times in their lives, especially when trying to fit into a new social situation, or when trying to hide behaviors they believe other people would condemn.


4. AbjectionThere are a few ways to define abjection, but French philosopher Julia Kristeva (literally) wrote the book on what it means to experience abjection. She suggests that every human goes through a period of abjection as tiny children when we first realize that our bodies are separate from our parents' bodies — this sense of separation causes a feeling of extreme horror we carry with us throughout our lives. That feeling of abjection gets re-activated when we experience events that, however briefly, cause us to question the boundaries of our sense of self. Often, abjection is what you are feeling when you witness or experience something so horrific that it causes you to throw up. A classic example is seeing a corpse, but abjection can also be caused by seeing shit or open wounds. These visions all remind us, at some level, that our selfhood is contained in what Star Trek aliens would call "ugly bags of mostly water." The only thing separating you from being a dead body is . . . almost nothing. When you feel the full weight of that sentence, or are confronted by its reality in the form of a corpse, your nausea is abjection.


5. SublimationIf you've ever taken a class where you learned about Sigmund Freud's theories about sex, you probably have heard of sublimation. Freud believed that human emotions were sort of like a steam engine, and sexual desire was the steam. If you blocked the steam from coming out of one valve, pressure would build up and force it out of another. Sublimation is the process of redirecting your steamy desires from having naughty sex, to doing something socially productive like writing an article about psychology or fixing the lawnmower or developing a software program. If you've ever gotten your frustrations out by building something, or gotten a weirdly intense pleasure from creating an art project, you're sublimating. Other psychiatrists have refined the idea of sublimation, however. Following French theorist Jacques Lacan, they say that sublimation doesn't have to mean converting sexual desire into another activity like building a house. It could just mean transferring sexual desire from one object to another — moving your affections from your boyfriend to your neighbor, for example.


6. Repetition compulsionAh, Freud. You gave us so many new feelings and psychological states to explore! The repetition compulsion is a bit more complicated than Freud's famous definition — "the desire to return to an earlier state of things." On the surface, a repetition compulsion is something you experience fairly often. It's the urge to do something again and again. Maybe you feel compelled to always order the same thing at your favorite restaurant, or always take the same route home, even though there are other yummy foods and other easy ways to get home. Maybe your repetition compulsion is a bit more sinister, and you always feel the urge to date people who treat you like crap, over and over, even though you know in advance it will turn out badly (just like the last ten times). Freud was fascinated by this sinister side of the repetition compulsion, which is why he ultimately decided that the cause of our urge to repeat was directly linked to what he called "the death drive," or the urge to cease existing. After all, he reasoned, the ultimate "earlier state of things" is a state of non-existence before we were born. With each repetition, we act out our desire to go back to a pre-living state. Maybe that's why so many people have the urge to repeat actions that are destructive, or unproductive.


7. Repressive desublimation

Political theorist Herbert Marcuse was a big fan of Freud and lived through the social upheavals of the 1960s. He wanted to explain how societies could go through periods of social liberation, like the countercultures and revolutions of the mid-twentieth century, and yet still remain under the (often strict) control of governments and corporations. How could the U.S. have gone through all those protests in the 60s but never actually overthrown the government? The answer, he decided, was a peculiar emotional state known as "repressive desublimation." Remember, Freud said sublimation is when you route your sexual energies into something non-sexual. But Marcuse lived during a time when people were very much routing their sexual energies into sex — it was the sexual liberation era, when free love reigned. People were desublimating. And yet they continued to be repressed by many other social strictures, coming from corporate life, the military, and the government. Marcuse suggested that desublimation can actually help to solidify repression. It acts as an escape valve for our desires so that we don't attempt to liberate ourselves from other social restrictions. A good example of repressive desublimation is the intense partying that takes place in college. Often, people in college do a lot of drinking, drugging and hooking up — while at the same time studying very hard and trying to get ready for jobs. Instead of questioning why we have to pay tons of money to engage in rote learning and get corporate jobs, we just obey the rules and have crazy drunken sex every weekend. Repressive desublimation!


8. Aporia

You know that feeling of crazy emptiness you get when you realize that something you believed isn't actually true? And then things feel even more weird when you realize that actually, the thing you believed might be true and might not — and you'll never really know? That's aporia. The term comes from ancient Greek, but is also beloved of post-structuralist theorists like Jacques Derrida and Gayatri Spivak. The reason modern theorists love the idea of aporia is that it helps to describe the feeling people have in a world of information overload, where you are often bombarded with contradictory messages that seem equally true.


9. Compersion

We've gotten into some pretty philosophical territory, so now it's time to return to some good, old-fashioned internet memes. The word compersion was popularized by people in online communites devoted to polyamory and open relationships, in order to describe the opposite of feeling jealous when your partner dates somebody else. Though a monogamous person would feel jealous seeing their partner kiss another person, a non-monogamous person could feel compersion, a sense of joy in seeing their partner happy with another person. But monogamous people can feel compersion, too, if we extend the definition out to mean any situation where you feel the opposite of jealous. If a friend wins an award you hoped to win, you can still feel compersion (though you might be a little jealous too).


10. Group feelings

Some psychologists argue that there are some feelings we can only have as members of a group — these are called intergroup and intragroup feelings. Often you notice them when they are in contradiction with your personal feelings. For example, many people feel intergroup pride and guilt for things that their countries have done, even if they weren't born when their countries did those things. Though you did not fight in a war, and are therefore not personally responsible for what happened, you share in an intergroup feeling of pride or guilt. Group feelings often cause painful contradictions. A person may have an intragroup feeling (from one group to another) that homosexuality is morally wrong. But that person may personally have homosexual feelings. Likewise, a person may have an intragroup feeling that certain races or religions are inferior to those of their group. And yet they may personally know very honorable, good people from those races and religions whom they consider friends. A group feeling can only come about through membership in a group, and isn't something that you would ever have on your own. But that doesn't mean group feelings are any less powerful than personal ones.

Me Special

1. In Sri Lanka there are more than 150,000 children with autism/Down syndrome and Learning Disorders. Unfortunately there are hardly any specialized schools who can give them a proper education. We started our school with the mission to help at least some of these children and make sure that they will get an appropriate method of teaching, which is so important for such children.
   IACED-Me Special is a nonprofit organization. It is required that parents pay a contribution for the education of their child. But, we do realize that there are parents who are less-fortunate, what makes them unable to send their child to a special school. However, we also want to help these parents and provide their child the education which it needs. Through the support of sponsors, we will be able to do this.
   We are always looking for sponsors who can support our school in all possible ways.
   
   
   for more details visit:www.mespecial.tk

How I Was Able to Ace Exams Without Studying

In high school, I rarely studied. Despite that, I graduated second in my class. In university, I generally studied less than an hour or two before major exams. However, over four years, my GPA always sat between an A and an A+.

Recently I had to write a law exam worth 100% of my final grade. Unfortunately, I was out of the country and didn’t get back by plane until late Sunday night. I had to write the test at 9 am Monday morning. I got an A after just one hour of review on the plane.

Right now, I’m guessing most of you think I’m just an arrogant jerk. And, if the story ended there, you would probably be right.

Why do Some People Learn Quickly?

The fact is most of my feats are relatively mundane. I’ve had a chance to meet polyglots who speak 8 languages, people who have mastered triple course loads and students who went from C or B averages to straight A+ grades while studying less than before.

The story isn’t about how great I am (I’m certainly not) or even about the fantastic accomplishments of other learners. The story is about an insight: that smart people don’t just learn better, they also learndifferently.

It’s this different strategy, not just blind luck and arrogance, that separates rapid learners from those who struggle.

Most sources say that the difference in IQ scores across a group is roughly half genes and half environment. I definitely won’t discount that. Some people got a larger sip of the genetic cocktail. Some people’s parents read their kids Chaucer and tutored them in quantum mechanics.

However, despite those gifts, if rapid learners had a different strategy for learning than ordinary students, wouldn’t you want to know what it was?

The Strategy that Separates Rapid Learners

The best way to understand the strategy of rapid learners is to look at its opposite, the approach most people take: rote memorization.

Rote memorization is based on the theory that if you look at information enough times it will magically be stored inside your head.

This wouldn’t be a terrible theory if your brain were like a computer. Computers just need one attempt to store information perfectly. However, in practice rote memorization means reading information over and over again. If you had to save a file 10 times in a computer to ensure it was stored, you’d probably throw it in the garbage.

The strategy of rapid learners is different. Instead of memorizing by rote, rapid learners store information by linking ideas together. Instead of repetition, they find connections. These connections create a web of knowledge that can succeed even when you forget one part.

When you think about it, the idea that successful learners create a web has intuitive appeal. The brain isn’t a computer hard drive, with millions of bits and bytes in a linear sequence. It is an interwoven network of trillions of neurons.

Why not adopt the strategy that makes sense with the way your brain actually works?

Not a New Idea, But an Incredibly Underused Idea

This isn’t a new idea, and I certainly didn’t invent it.

Polymath, cognitive scientist and AI researcher Marvin Minsky once said:

“If you understand something in only one way, then you don’t really understand it at all. The secret of what anything means to us depends on how we’ve connected it to all other things we know. Well-connected representations let you turn ideas around in your mind, to envision things from many perspectives until you find one that works for you. And that’s what we mean by thinking!” [emphasis mine]

Benny Lewis, polyglot and speaker of 8 languages, recently took up the task of learning Thai in two months. One of his first jobs was to memorize a phonetic script (Thai has a different alphabet than English). How did he do it?

“I saw [a Thai symbol] and needed to associate it with ‘t’, I thought of a number of common words starting with t. None of the first few looked anything like it, but then I got to toe! The symbol looks pretty much like your big toe, with the circle representing the nail of the second toe (if looking at your left foot). It’s very easy to remember and very hard to forget! Now I think of t instantly when I see that symbol.

It took time, but I’ve come up with such an association for all [75] symbols. Some are funny, or nerdy,  or something childish. Some require a ridiculous stretch of the imagination to make it work. Whatever did the job best to help me remember.”

The famous British savant Daniel Tammet has the ability to multiply 5 digit numbers in his head. He explains that he can do this because each number, to him, has a color and texture, he doesn’t just do the straight calculation, he feels it.

All of these people believe in the power of connecting ideas. Connecting ideas together, as Minsky describes. Linking ideas with familiar pictures, like Lewis. Or even blending familiar shapes and sensations with the abstract to make it more tangible as Tammet can do.

How Can You Become a Rapid Learner?

So all this sounds great, but how do you actually do it?

I’m not going to suggest you can become a Tammet, Lewis or Minsky overnight. They have spent years working on their method. And no doubt, some of their success is owed to their genetic or environmental quirks early in life.

However, after writing about these ideas for a couple years I have seen people make drastic improvements in their learning method. It takes practice, but students have contacted me letting me know they are now getting better grades with less stress, one person even credited the method for allowing him to get an exam exemption for a major test.

Some Techniques for Learning by Connections

Here are the some of the most popular tactics I’ve experimented with and suggested to other students:

1. Metaphors and Analogy

Create your own metaphors for different ideas. Differential calculus doesn’t need to just be an equation, but the odometer and speedometer on a car. Functions in computer programming can be like pencil sharpeners. The balance sheet for a corporation can be like the circulatory system.

Shakespeare used metaphor prolifically to create vivid imagery for his audience. Your professor might not be the bard, but you can step in and try them yourself.

2. Visceralization

Visceralization is a portmanteau between visceral and visualization. The goal here is to envision an abstract idea as something more tangible. Not just by imagining a picture, but by integrating sounds, textures and feelings (like Tammet does).

When learning how to find the determinant of a matrix, I visualized my hands scooping through one axis of the matrix and dropping through the other, to represent the addition and subtraction of the elements.

Realize you already do this, just maybe not to the same degree. Whenever you see a graph or pie chart for an idea, you are taking something abstract and making it more tangible. Just be creative in pushing that a step further.

3. The 5-Year Old Method

Imagine you had to explain your toughest subject to a 5-year old. Now practice that.

It may be impossible to explain thermodynamics to a first grader, but the process of explanation forces you to link ideas. How would you explain the broader concepts in simpler terms a child would understand?

4. Diagramming

Mind-mapping is becoming increasingly popular as a way of retaining information. That’s the process of starting with a central idea and brainstorming adjacent connections. But mindmapping is just the skin of the onion.

Creating diagrams or pictures can allow you to connect ideas together on paper. Instead of having linear notes, organized in a hierarchy, what if you had notes that showed the relationships between all the ideas you were learning?

5. Storytelling to Remember Numbers and Facts

Pegging is a method people have been using for years to memorize large amounts of numbers or facts. What makes it unique isn’t just that it allows people to perform amazing mental feats (although it can), but the way it allows people to remember information–by connecting the numbers to a story.

Pegging is a bit outside the scope of this article, but the basic idea is that each digit is represented by the sound of a consonant (for example: 0=c, 3=t, 4=d…). This allows you to convert any number into a string of consonants (4304 = d-t-c-d).

The system allows you to add any number of vowels in between the consonants to make nouns (d-t-c-d = dot code). You can then turn this list of nouns into a story (The dot was a code that the snake used…). Then all you need to do is remember the order of the story to get the nouns, consonants and back to the numbers.

The Way We Were Taught to Learn is Broken

Children are imaginative, creative and, in many ways, the epitome of this rapid learning strategy. Maybe it’s the current school system, or maybe it’s just a consequence of growing up, but most people eventually suppress this instinct.

The sad truth is that the formal style of learning, makes learning less enjoyable. Chemistry, mathematics, computer science or classic literature should spawn new ideas, connections in the mind, exciting possibilities. Not only the right answers for a standardized test.

The irony is that maybe if that childlike, informal way of learning came back, even just in part, perhaps more people would succeed on those very tests. Or at least enjoyed the process of learning.

This is a guest post from Scott Young